Can Donald Trump Grow A Beard? An Investigation

Donald Trump’s sense of self-worth seems to be based entirely on his status as an alpha male. He’s, feels entitled to women, and is apparently fixated on the size of his dick. One hyper-masculine symbol, however, appears to have eluded Trump his entire life, for Donald Trump has never even shown the inklings of the beginning of any sort of beard.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with not having or, perhaps, not being able to grow a full beard. Plenty of men live a genetically-mandated life of beardlessness and are no worse for it. It’s curious, though, that Donald Trump, a man quick to point out the cucks and betas of the world, seems lacking in one of the most obvious signifiers of male virility. Might his spite stem from insecurity after all?

On Twitter, he’s never mentioned a beard even once, and as far as shaving goes, he only ever seems interested when it’s another man getting shorn:

Even 4chan seems to have taken note of the phenomenon.

Though many users immediately turned to mocking, the Trump-oriented among them were quick to point out why Trump’s lack of facial hair is a benefit rather than a flaw.

Then, of course, there’s Donald Trump’s general aversion to Islam and his recent flirtations with anti-Semitic rhetoric. Why does Trump feel so threatened by these two beard-centric cultures? Is it because both Judaism and Islam remind him of his own whiskerless inadequacies? Who can say for sure—I’m just asking questions.

Still, this is all just conjecture. One source who has been near Trump and chose to remain anonymous claimed, “I think his skin is actually a latex mask, covering up the fact that he lost his lower jaw after years of dipping.” An allegation that would explain a great deal, yet remains dubious at best.

The most obvious proof of this, as Mother Jones pointed out back in March, is the bizarre mustache Trump briefly (accidentally?) sported during an interview with CNN:

It’s hard to make out, and if you weren’t looking for it, you’d almost certainly have missed it entirely. But there, sitting quietly under his nose, are the thin, wispy strands of a boy getting ready to undergo the Changes. That, or Trump just fell into some weird lighting.

Thanks to the wonders of high-definition photography, though, there’s no reason for us to keep feeling around in the dark for Trump’s face fuzz. Today, we end the speculation and answer the question that has been weighing someone’s mind somewhere probably: Does Donald Trump have hair growing out of his face?

The patches are slight and a little hard to see, so let’s go in a bit closer—just to make sure.

Note the sparse—yet indisputable—presence of a few darkened follicles adorning the Donald’s upper lip. The area around it, however, is an immaculate, waxy canvas the likes of which Buffalo Bill could only dream.

Now, that solves the mystery of Trump’s frontmost features, but what about the sides? Allow me to present, Donald Trump’s left cheek.

Though it may look wholly hairless upon first glance, there are indeed a few wiry strands peeking through that baby-smooth flesh.

This one is a bit harder to spot. Forgive me, but let’s move in.

A dappling of follicles fit for a fake billionaire.

So no, Donald Trump almost certainly cannot grow a full face of hair. He can, however, grow an impressive pre-pubescent mustache with a beautiful sheen. Which is fine! Everyone is their own unique snowflake and no single quality makes a man. It’s just that, for Donald Trump, whatever that quality is, it sure as hell isn’t a beard.